I was tempted to call this “Reconstructing Judaism”, but that’s a whole branch of Judaism and, the more I think about it, not exactly what I’m trying to do.

For those unfamiliar, I converted to Judaism several years ago and became very involved in a Conservative synagogue. When I say involved, I mean going to all of the Shabbat prayer services each week, occasional minyan attendance, and regularly meeting with the rabbi. All of that while also reading about Judaism and writing about it, too. It culminated in me moving to NYC a few years ago to attend rabbinical school to get more in-depth education and ultimately to make Judaism my life. Long story short, the plan failed spectacularly and rather traumatically, resulting in me dropping out of rabbinical school and completely distancing myself from Judaism.

For over a year, I was pretty convinced that this was not going to change and I was going to be Jewish in name only with a whole lot of baggage I wasn’t going to unpack. But last Yom Kippur that started to shift a bit as I found myself missing the liturgy and ritual (Yom Kippur was/is my favorite Jewish holiday). It started a spark of thinking that maybe once I had more distance from the Jewish community I could rebuild some semblance of Judaism. That desire started to feel more realistic when I met Jewish coworkers who were very different from many of the classmates and community members I found alienating during rabbinical school. “Maybe I could find a way” started to pop into my head more often, supported by a recent move that will give me more separation from the parts of the community I found harmful.

That’s the project I’m undertaking now, but it also isn’t. While Jewish-inflected, what I’m wanting to reconstruct is spirituality.

Let me explain how, to me, the two are different (because I’ve had at least one person claim that spirituality and religion are the same entity). The religious and spiritual part of Judaism is, to me, a distinct form of religion (that is also an ethnicity and culture). There are a lot of variations within that mold, but there is an underlying je ne sais quoi that makes it Judaism. The holidays are a particularly clear example of this- they are distinctly Jewish, even if they have universal themes. Passover can look many ways while still being Passover. I want to build some of those elements into whatever spirituality I construct, but my core focus is elsewhere.

What I’m really wanting to rebuild is spirituality. Before coming to rabbinical school and for some time before I dropped out, my spirituality was inextricably linked to Judaism. The Venn diagram was a circle and, in a lot of ways, it was to my detriment. My sense of spirituality relied so heavily upon my former religious community that I found myself unmoored when I moved to NYC. Yes, I could find similar liturgy and similar music, but it wasn’t the same. It was one of the early struggles I faced that ultimately led to distancing myself from Judaism.

Spirituality to me, and I assume others, is about how (and if) I’m connected to the larger universe. And I say universe (or multiverse if I’m being cheeky) intentionally rather than God or another deity. I don’t think there’s some ultimate meaning to be discovered or a specific “right” way to navigate our lives, but I do want to find some way of feeling connected to the larger whole and organizing what has been an incredibly chaotic life. Absurdism is at the core, but I also know that having those pieces will help me enjoy the absurd even though they won’t imbue it with meaning.

Distancing myself from Judaism left a lot of holes in my life, my sense of self, and my connection to the universe. Judaism is broken for me with far too many pieces missing to reconstruct a spirituality that is wholly Jewish. Maybe I’ll find and/or rebuild some of those pieces in time, but it’s not working for me to sit around waiting for that to happen or, most honestly, give up on the prospect entirely. So, instead I’ll reconstruct a hodgepodge version of spirituality that is both Jewish and not Jewish because I need it.